At New Heights Elbasan we were able to host a Beauty For Ashes event with the women at the church. This is an opportunity to gather women together for a safe space of sharing stories and gaining healing by doing so. Our wonderful Beauty For Ashes Coordinator leads us on the subject of “Worth”
What is “Worth”?
Am I “Worthy”?
They ask us to pray, ask God to bring back a memory or moment in our life that we felt “unworthy” and draw that memory down on the paper.
Instantly I got this picture of a 5 years old girl standing in the middle of the dirt road, looking lost, looking abandoned. That’s me, I think that’s the earliest memory I have of my childhood.
What came with that memory was pain. My heart started aching with that image, the feeling of lost, abandoned, unwanted, and “unworthy” to who? Who cared about me? Can an orphan like me have worth, the right to exist?
If you have never heard about my story before this is a part of it. A 6-7 years old girl looking out into a courtyard with an emotionless face thinking about her placement in the world. But discovered the feelings of hurt, abandonment, and emptiness. From that moment in the courtyard, she learned to hide and block her feelings and emotions to develop this “let go and move on” self-defense mechanism. Because what would wallow in those feelings and emotions change? The fact she wasn’t abandoned by her blood? Let’s realize how the real world works, and stop showing weakness by letting these emotions and feelings take over. Accept the fact of the situation, and move on. Stuffing down any rise of emotions has become an instinct for her…
By doing that to myself for so long, I have become an infant with my emotions. But a weird thing is that I’m empathetic towards the emotions of people around me but apathetic towards my own emotions. The tears gotta have a reason to come out somehow. (lol) But when those suppressed emotions have a chance to come out they are so suffocating. I spiral out of control with my thoughts, which leads to questioning my identity in Christ. I recognize the fear of change consuming me; so I begin to develop false perceptions of myself, or better yet glass perceptions (because they are easily broken). These glass images contain the feelings, scars, hurts, wounds that I don’t want to deal with.
I also realized that I was not inviting God nor allowing Him to touch those areas of my heart. I forgot that in order to ask for healing I need to expose the wounds and the scars first. I didn’t want to rip the bandage off. I just wanted to have it covered and think that it’s healing under the bandage without ever checking on it. Then my prior team leader, Jacken called me out of the lie by saying:
You carried that idea for so long that it’s become natural. You defend yourself by preventing tears and as soon as they come you create another glass image or another perception. They are glass, so as soon as it’s touched it breaks. Thus you create another one and prevent the tears from coming.
The glass images must be broken for God’s truth to be poured out and received!
-Jacken Holland
Do you believe that you are Worthy, or have you created false perceptions to keep yourself safe? Allow the Kingdom mindset to enter into the ordinary, put everything in His perspective.
43 Our bodies are buried in brokenness, but they will be raised in glory. They are buried in weakness, but they will be raised in strength. (1 Corinthians 15:43 NLT)
Alice S.
